My Story
trauma
Sometimes when traumatic things happen to people, they try their best to forget about them and move on with their lives. That was my experience at least. It was working out fine, until it wasn’t. Years ago, I was attacked by my ex-husband. I was hit and choked by him on more than one occasion. This is my story with domestic violence and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
why did i stay?
I learned later that manipulative people are very intentional. It didn’t start with the physical abuse… it started way before that. With the verbal abuse and jealousy that he demonstrated, with the ultimatums and financial restrictions he forced on me. There is more than one form of violence.
The last time he attacked me, he just stood there half dressed in his work clothes, while I laid on the ground sobbing holding my head to protect myself from getting kicked. He just stood there – then after a couple minutes, he finished getting ready for his evening shift and walked out without saying anything. Usually I was met with a look of regret and “I’m sorry”’s, “I didn’t mean to”’s and “work is stressful”. This time I was met with nothing. I laid there crying, wondering what I had done to deserve this. After years of dating my husband, I was trying to trace everything back to a moment that might justify why I deserved this. But I couldn’t find it.
I collected myself as much as I could and called my sister. She answered and immediately knew something was wrong. Fifteen minutes later, she was helping me frantically pack all my shit and leave before he came back from work.
I walked away and I never looked back. In fact, I tried to pretend like nothing happened. I let that experience fester. I let myself believe I deserved that. Months went by, and those months began to turn into years. I thought it was over. I thought I had overcome that experience.
My name is Evie and I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) in 2018.
The violence started to come back, but instead of beatings, they haunted me in nightmares. Then the nightmares started to manifest themselves in my behavior. I was dating someone at the time when I started to act out. My behavior changed and I began to behave in ways that I never had. I started to say horrible things and act violently. I became toxic.
What was wrong with me? I was engulfed by rage and the reaction to defend myself over things that didn’t merit that behavior. I started to feel beside myself, almost as if I was watching myself say and behave in a toxic way.
In fear of messing up my relationship, I reached out to a therapist. After a couple visits, she diagnosed me with PTSD.
why tell my story now?
I started this blog to document my healing process and to share my story with domestic violence and PTSD. I had many triumphs as well as many mistakes and disappointments. My journey was painful but I channeled that pain into action. I think it’s important for me to be honest and vulnerable with my experience in order to help others. I learned to mediate my PTSD, I learned to forgive myself and I started to transform my life.
In the last two years, I’ve overcome my trauma, quit my job, traveled the world, moved to another state to start my dream job and fell in love with a new addiction… Jiu Jitsu. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for today and my life. How proud I am of myself and my growth. And I’d like to share what I did to get here.
So welcome to my beautiful mess of a journey!
