How to Manage Grief

My family is from San Diego, California but after I graduated high school, I spent most of my time in Northern California for school and work. Two years ago, I was in San Diego for a work convention. I received a call from my Mother that my Dad wasn’t doing very well and had been admitted into the hospital. I immediately left to the hospital to get a better idea of what was going on. I arrived first. The doctors explained to me that his body was beginning to reject the transplanted lung which my dad had been living off of for a couple years.

To make matters worse, he caught pneumonia. His lung and immune system were severely compromised, the damage was irreversible. It would be a matter of weeks. My mom arrived shortly after. Since the hospital translator was not available, I had to be the one to tell her that my dad only had a couple weeks or months to live.

Impending Death

For 3 months, my family and I lived in constant anxiety and fear, not knowing when would be the last day we saw him. I was living in Santa Barbara at the time and drove to San Diego every weekend for 3 months to see him. It took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. It also had a severe impact on my mental health. On Father’s Day, I spent the whole day at the hospital- as I usually did on my weekend visits. We laughed and shared silly stories and childhood confessions. I gave him a hug as I left and said, “I’ll see you next weekend”. But the look in his eyes told me I wouldn’t. He passed away three days later.

Even though we all knew my father’s death was coming, we still weren’t prepared for it. I didn’t handle my father’s death well. Although I kept my work life impeccable, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I lost my appetite. I wasn’t drinking water. I wasn’t sleeping. I stayed up late at night tormenting myself with all the things I could have done. I blamed myself for his death. I told myself I was a terrible daughter for not doing enough. I told myself a lot of horrible things.  I had absolutely no compassion for myself. I experienced a lot of anger during this time, mostly towards myself. Despite receiving active therapy and learning about tools for treating my PTSD, the death of my father triggered a lot of emotions that I wasn’t ready to deal with.

Managing Grief

Grief is a difficult thing to manage. Grief can bring out a lot of different emotions like: sadness, anger, guilt, unfairness, spite, disbelief and hopelessness- just to name a few. Everyone responds differently to grief and there is no prescribed way to get through it.

While I deprived myself of sleep and food, my family members were finding their own ways to cope, some healthier than others. There are no wrong or right ways to react and process grief, but there are some things that can help manage grief a little better.

1. Give Yourself the Self-Compassion You Deserve
2. Self-Care to Manage Grief
3. Support Group to Manage Grief

Give Yourself the Self-Compassion You Deserve

I was really mean to myself during this time. I kept telling myself I could have done more, but the truth was I did everything in my power to support my father and my family. I drove 600 miles every weekend for 3 months to spend time with my father. I supported my mother and siblings during this time. I took care of all the paperwork once my father passed away so my mother didn’t have to. I covered all funeral expenses. I stayed composed during his impending death so I could support my siblings and mother the best way I could.

I did burry myself in a pile of “should have, could have, would have’s” until I accepted that didn’t do anything but cause additional harm. I stopped being so excruciatingly hard on myself, and gradually, I became more compassionate with myself. I started letting go of the expectations I had placed on myself. I let go of my negative dialogue. I acknowledged all the effort I put in to support my father and family.

Self-Care to Manage Grief

Even though I may have looked composed at work and while visiting family, I severely lacked the support and encouragement that I was giving so abundantly to my family. I lived far from both my family and friends and not only was my father dying but life threw a breakup into the mix as well. I didn’t have anyone close by to physically check up on me.

Luckily, my therapist gave me a list of 3 things I needed to do every day for myself:

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Drink Water

Sounds simple right? Well, nothing is simple after losing a loved one. I struggled a lot to do these rudimentary things. When you lose a loved one, you can feel guilty for living without them. After a couple months, I started to get better at hitting all 3 things in a day. I constantly felt numb with sadness, but I started to build more body awareness around it. I started to be more mindful of what my body needed. Ensuring that we are well hydrated and healthy is important for getting through such strenuous times. How can we have the energy to deal with something as painful and heavy as grief when we haven’t been sleeping, eating or drinking water? Take care of your body and mind by doing the basics: sleep, drink water, eat.

After getting the basics down, start thinking about doing things that get your body and mind moving like going on a walk, dancing in your room, or maybe talking to others. Journaling is also a great way to honor your feelings. 

Support Group to Manage Grief

The most important thing for me, was reaching out to a friend when I started to blame myself. I called a different friend almost every day. Sometimes all I did was cry on the phone, other times we talked about other topics to keep me distracted. Talking to a friend, meant not wasting my time being mean to myself and replaced my negative dialogue with friends who gave me the encouragement and love I needed.

I didn’t like the idea of burdening others with my problems or pain, so it was difficult for me to reach out to others at first. I had a friend mention that they wanted to be there for me. They wanted me to help in any way they could, and if that meant crying on facetime with them, then so be it.

Ask yourself, how would you support a friend who is dealing with grief? Would you feel burdened for listening to them or being their shoulder to cry on? Probably not. Your friends love you and are there for you. Reach out to them.

Bereavement groups are also a good place to find support. You can usually google and find a group in your area. They are usually free to be part.

Final Thoughts on How to Manage Grief

Dealing with grief is never easy. I hope that these three things help with managing grief. Before one can manage the emotions of grief, we first need to make sure we have the energy and support to do so.

If you are looking for more information on Grief, I recommend checking out “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies“. It was an incredibly powerful book that helped me manage grief.